Mike Feinerman
Programs director
From writing the chapter on addressing domestic violence in men’s substance abuse treatment and the section on working with LGBT clients for the IDHS manual “Safety, Sobriety and Justice” to serving on the State of Illinois Domestic Violence Advisory Council since being appointed nearly two decades ago, Mike Feinerman has been making a difference in the movement to end domestic violence. Here he talks about how he became involved in this work and his vision for the future.
How did you first learn about partner abuse intervention?
While I was working as an addiction counselor at Haymarket, they started doing a domestic violence screening that asked if you had done this to someone or had someone done this to you. A startling 70% of the men said they had been abusive in some way and nearly all of the women indicated they had suffered abuse. I knew we had to do something because conflict in relationships is a trigger in relapse to substance abuse, especially for those in early recovery. I reached out to Dr. Larry Bennett at the UIC Jane Addams College of Social Work who had developed the screening tool, and learned that he was working with Charlie Stoops and Christine Call to start the Westside Domestic Abuse Project. I brought that information back to Haymarket and they became part of the collaborative. As they say, the rest is history.
What inspired you to work in the field and join the Center’s staff?
It had a lot to do with my own recovery. In AA, I noticed a difference between people who had been counseled well or not at all in terms of the quality of their life. I saw how therapy really improved my own life and felt this was a contribution I could make. So, I became trained as a partner abuse intervention (PAI) facilitator and started working with the Westside Domestic Abuse Project. After the project became what is known today as the Center for Advancing Domestic Peace and began providing services as an independent nonprofit in 2004, I continued as a PAI group co-facilitator and program manager. In 2007, Charlie and Christine asked if I would consider becoming Co-Executive Director of the agency, which I did until 2015. Since that time, I have served as Programs Director in which I supervise the day-to-day running of our Western Avenue administrative office and monitor various compliance issues. I am also proud to have been involved in helping to set up our newest program location at the DuPage County Health Department in Wheaton.
Is there a particular client success story that stands out for you?
I remember one individual who was furious with his ex-wife for putting their children on the order of protection. During a group, he shared that he used to tell her that if she wouldn’t have sex with him, he would find someone who would. My female co-facilitator and a couple of men in the group told him that was coercion and compared it to how he was trying to bully her about custody. He resisted strongly at first but began to change a bit from then on. Later, he talked about running into his ex-wife who told him how angry she was about his infidelity while they were married. She had heard that he wasn’t behaving that way with his new partner and couldn’t understand why he was unable to be faithful when she was his wife. For the first time, he listened without getting defensive and instead of blaming, explained that during their marriage his idea of what made him a man led to chasing women. But, when he saw the consequences, he decided that he didn’t want to keep having that kind of unstable life.
After completing our program, he was shot in front of his home and kids. Although people pushed him to retaliate, he decided to just report it to the police. After he had healed, he ran into the young man who shot him. They were both with their children at the time and the man started begging, “Please, not in front of my kids.” Our former client just said: “Look, you don’t have anything to fear from me. I just want you to know that the route you are taking didn’t get me anywhere so you may want to consider taking another a path.” This was another example of the positive changes he made.
What is your favorite part of the job?
Over the years, I’ve really enjoyed collaborating with our victim service agency partners on Run Domestic Violence Out of Town and a variety of other training and community outreach activities such as facilitating the 20-hour training for people who are becoming PAI facilitators and the portion of the 40-hour domestic violence training focused on working with those who have harmed. Another highlight has been helping to coordinate our Neighborhood Barbers for Peace initiative. But, I would have to say that working with participants in our groups is still my favorite part of the job. There’s something about that exchange that is really motivating as it gives me the opportunity to understand different perspectives and explore those that the participants may not have thought of. It’s energizing to see people realize there are advantages to living life in a partnership, not a power struggle.
What is the biggest challenge in the work that you do?
The main models of this work come out of the criminal justice system, so it’s easy to get drawn into seeing yourself as a warden, someone there to enforce community standards. The challenge is to figure what is going on for each particular person. If I criticize someone, they will get defensive. But, if I ask the right questions, I can get the information I need to better understand their beliefs and why they are behaving in a certain way. We also have to be able to acknowledge the oppression our clients face but in a way that doesn’t allow them to use this as an excuse for oppressing their partner. I try to encourage our clients to think about what would happen if instead of struggling against this person who is your most natural ally, you worked with her to struggle against the things that are oppressing you both?
What is the biggest challenge your clients face?
Poverty is definitely the biggest challenge. The vast majority of clients in our Chicago programs are economically disadvantaged and most not been given the kind of education they deserved. Some have engaged in crime to support themselves and their children, leading to consequences that often make it difficult to get jobs. It’s a vicious circle. On top of this, they also have to deal with the same attitudes about male superiority and privilege that other men in our society and culture face. They are exhausted by having to constantly be the decision maker and afraid to risk asking for help. In many ways that cripples their ability to form a real partnership as it does for many American men.
What is your hope for the Center's future?
Even though the primary focus in domestic violence services is deservedly on assisting the victims, I think that working with those who have caused harm is an after thought for most people. My hope is that the Center can get the kind of support that will enable us to expand our prevention work, especially with those who are high school and college age. We don’t get blueprints for relationships and we need to challenge young men and women to not just settle. They need to think about their vision for the future and what kind of friendships and partnerships they want to have in their life. It was encouraging to see a lot of that happening during the stay at home order. Young people are reaching out to help their communities and anything we can do to support that is really important.